Mar 23, 2006

PC (meta) Review: 'Lula 3D'

To be quite honest, the way this review was written was heavily inspired by the review summaries posted by dear Elderly Gamer over at his excellent blog. To be even more honest, pc game pr0n (porn for the old-fashioned) has been something of an interest since my days in elementary school, when I first laid my poor innocent eyes on the exquisite Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards.

Now, being the much older git that I am, and having avoided the previous Lula offerings, I decided to buy Lula 3D. Not only was it featuring naked ladies engaging in gratuitous sexual acts, not only was it the first game ever to incorporate the Bouncing Boobs technology, it was also quite cheap (less than 20 euros). Apparently cheap in every respect.

Being of course cheap isn't necessarily a bad thing. Lula 3D does have a certain charm, in the way Plan 9 from Outer Space, Dungeons and Dragons the Movie and Jesus Christ Vampire Slayer do. It's so unbelievably bad it is almost interesting and enjoyable. Mind you, it's not funny per se. The funny thing is that people decided to sell this kind of crap and I decided to buy it. And there is no such thing as a Bouncing Boobs technology. Lara Croft in the first incantation of Tomb Raider had bouncier assets. It's neither particularly entertaining, nor sexy (unless of course you are really sad), and even though Lula 3D is (supposedly) an adventure game, it's such a poor experience, that having a dog hump your leg sounds exciting and fun.

And here comes the Elderly Gamer inspired bit. I'll present you with what a series of esteemed publications had to say about this sorry excuse for interactive erotica, but before that please imagine this: all of Lula's inventory is stored in her extra-small bra. Anyway. On to the pros:

Eurogamer (2/10): 'So, to conclude, let's return to the Lula 3D box. Turn it over and you'll see a warning message which reads: "CAUTION: intense erotic scenes may lead to CHOKING, SWEATING and RAPID HEART BEAT." No one could argue with this as a general statement of fact, but with regard to Lula 3D, the words RAPID BANGING OF HEAD AGAINST MONITOR would be more appropriate.'

PC Zone (31/100): 'As lovely as it must be to live in Lula-land, with its never-ending intercourse and women who won't talk about anything other than dildos, I still think that I prefer having sex with real people. It's a strange hang-up of mine - I'm sure I'll get over it.'

Jolt (1.8/10): 'Lula herself would probably be the only person to gain any satisfaction from Lula 3D as, to lower ourselves to using the game'’s terminology, she “loves fucking– and Lula 3D is fucking awful.'

Metacritic (19/100)

Gnome's Lair: that's a (three and a half) out of (ten).

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The non-meta Gnome's Lair reviews include (among other games): Apprentice Deluxe, Star Wars Battlefront 2 and Spooks. On the other hand, stay in style, be cheap, and have a look at some nice free games.

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  1. Thank you Mr. Gnome for such a glorious reference. Your kindness and wonderful turn of phrase are much appreciated. (bows in front of Gnomajesty)

  2. Oh thank you so much dear Mr. Elderly.
    ... (bows back in deep appreciation)

  3. Wow, what a sad disgrace to pornographic adventure games Lula 3D is...

    Are you sure its the first game to incorporate the 'Bouncing Boobs' technology? I remember King of Fighters '94's Mai's breasts were quite bouncy.

  4. Yes, but they didn't print "BOuncing Boob Technology" on the DVD case... And yes, its a rather sad game.