Jul 5, 2006

U.K. White Dwarf #319: A dwarf's fall

This is a review of a magazine that costs 4 British pounds and only manages to span 104 pages. This magazine, a mystically named White Dwarf 319, successor to a legendary Dwarf is a disgrace to its ancestors and an insult to every GW aficionado ever. You see, out of the puny 104 pages on offer, around 40 are ads, forthcoming releases, ordering info and generally worthless non-content, which leaves us (poor suckers that we are) with something barely more than 60 pages of content, or to be more precise 'content'.

An ancient picture of a more noble era ...

Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly (have a look at WD 318) matters get worse... Much worse, as this -in case you haven't figured it out yet- is a monumentally horrible offering. It's not that it's so short it won't last you an hour, it's the sheer lack of quality. The remaining 60 or so pages have just another half-arsed Warhammer 40,000 battle report that's too similar to last issue's, 9 pages on painting, fondling and generally caressing the 4 newly released Gotrek and Felix models, 4 pages of Lord of the Rings content, a laughable Beastmen 'feature', various shite filled pages and some half-decent modeling articles. They 've even gone as far as dropping the letters page and the store finder. Cheap.

Lowest point: Jervis Johnson, a brilliant games designer, saying that only miniatures matter; "the game is the icing on the cake".

High point (of sorts): There's no mention of the new plastic and over-priced Giant.

In a nutshell: DON'T BUY THIS ISSUE. Don't even let anyone give it to you for free. Don't. Just don't. Really. Donate your money to the shave-a-dwarf foundation instead.


Related Gnome's Lair articles: the Chaos Bowl, Adrian Smith's art, Space Hulk 2nd edition

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42 comments:

  1. Nice utilisation of the word "shite" there Gnome. Applause all round from this corner of the world!

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  2. Thanks a lot Tom... You see one has to conjure the most expressive words possible.. This was a horrid WD. Disgusting...

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  3. This review is so bad that I'm actually thinking of buying White Dwarf for the first time in months, just to see what all the fuss is about. And I'm only half joking here... ;)

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  4. You scared me there for a moment... Really... I felt something pinch my heart...

    Oh, and please, do change that to full-joking and avoid another GW money-trap...

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  5. You should, however, seriously consider purchasing the next issue of top british comic 2000 AD as it feature two new strips written by a good friend of mine...

    I've never read White Dwarf because I can't read.

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  6. :) Lol etc

    Oh, and I've actually read a few 2000AD issues... They were quite excellent.

    And, since this is Greece, would you mind providing me with an issue's number?

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  7. its time for a successor......Black Gnome......

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  8. Why do you say that oh dear mr. Elderly?

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  9. Well I wouldn't want to be responsible for the death of a gnome. But I must confess that I am curious about just how bad an issue of WD could be, especially after reading the Warseer UK WD 319 Feedback thread, which is particularly scathing. Don't worry though gnome- I'm sure I can live without scratching the itch that is the curiosity your review has awakened. ;)

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  10. Curiosity killed the bard you know and it's real nice seeing the Warseer people are pretty much upset too. GW should really stop pissing everyone off.

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  11. I used to buy 2000AD years ago...and Tharg's twisted tales or whatever it was called. Ah...halcyon days...

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  12. Something tells me that you are avoiding the World Cup issue here, dear Tomleece...

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  13. why would i say that? (sits gnome down)

    As is evident White Dwarf has past it's prime (gnome nods)

    As is also evident gnome has some experience and knowledge in the area (gnome nods)

    As is evident from reviews on adventure forums, gnome can write reviews (gnome blushes)

    We accept theres a market for a minatures/wargaming mag (gnome hesitates)

    and "black gnome" says it all, the almost complete antithesis to the rubbish their passing off

    (gnome gets up and looks at his watch) no time no time

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  14. Actually we had tried the mag thing... Lots of lost money, great times, great work (have more than a hundred issues at my place) and it was called "the gnomes". We even had a website (gnomoi.com), but now it has been snatched too... At least it's from a porn site... that's something I guess...

    Who knows... we might try another mag... this time in English, right after a nice little gnome comes back from Belgium and another gnomette from England. Then again, we might not...

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  15. (a mist clears from elderly eyes)

    well that would explain a trillion things.......no wonder it feels like i'm attending a master class in gaming culture.

    of course now I want to know more, so if you find it within your heart and consider taking requests for posts, i would be delighted if you could add a retro review/mention/tidbit on "the gnomes" along with earlier request for info on gothic rpg

    however if you find im a pesky little fuc*@!!$ then i'll understand

    astounding mr. gnome, astounding

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  16. Pesky? You? Are you delirious Mr. Elderly? Quickly, I'll get you something to drink. Then I'll try to write something gnomes related (eventually that is) to satisfy your curiosity. Then again, I'd love to hear about a certain made-by-the-Elderly little game...

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  17. .......tommorrow we will know if the items have been consigned to the scrap heap.......however as you said once created never forgotten......

    if only we didn't have to sleep....and work...

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  18. I'll keep my fingers crossed, will not work, but I guess some sleep is unavoidable.

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  19. it appears my rapidly aging daughter is not sure, but will look .......chances of her remembering to look though are slim......so a reminder will issue by this time next Saturday.......

    on an udder note, one semi decent crt screen available in poundstretchers, €80.......and now i don't know what to do.....

    (checks bank balance....uses magnifying glass....adjusts decimal point) ah now that looks better!

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  20. (still keeping fingers crossed & can't overcome curiosity)

    And 80 euros seems like a pretty decent price...

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  21. but the tft's look so lovely.........
    and changing that decimal point, has had an enormous effect on my bank balance.........

    80 yo yos is a extremely good price....suspiciously so.......

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  22. hmmm... you're right on both accounts. as for the 80e thingy, have you actually seen it working? Does it have a guarantee ? Our second hand guy has 6month guarantees.

    Jeess, I can't even type properly...

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  23. that keyboard of yours is taking some getting used to.

    A months guarantee...(not worth the paper it might be printed on)

    tft even the name sounds somehow right....as in.....the elderly sits down in front of his TFT screen to comment.....see it has a certain ring to it.

    Although i have reached a workable compromise with my existing screen, dark and doomy for the first hour, then it lightens up, flickers for another half hour and then it's fine....

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  24. Can't be really healthy for the eyes though, and TFT will also lend your PC room a certain ambience too... I'd consider it.

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  25. thank you i knew you'd come round eventually........

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  26. All I had to do was not drink for a day and .. WHAMM ... I come around. Just ike that. Amazing. Bloody amazing.

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  27. A frightening prospect indeed

    :)

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  28. I'll try to avoid it in the future. everyone knows that reality is a hallucination caused due to severe lack of alcohol.

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  29. they say you can feel things without alcohol.......

    like your lips, a sense of balance and proportion, i even had some one expect me to beleive that the walls don't continously move.....isn't that just silly...

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  30. Ridiculous... I mean really... the things people come uo with.

    Pah..

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  31. phu.....tsk! even......


    che...fu, che fu fu, che che fu

    (elderly places the microphone closer to his mouth and starts a phonetic rap).....

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  32. tftss ttt fts

    ...hmmm...

    nope...



    :)

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  33. no thats good gnome (sways to the beat,wiping saliva off the mike)

    pah chu, pah chu , chu chaaaaaaaa

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  34. (stops) it's crap isn't it......

    not to worry (takes out tinfoil covered comb....) wait you haven't heard anything yet......

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  35. BOOM
    tsika
    BOOM
    tsika BOOMBOOM
    tsik
    tsik
    BOOM
    A

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  36. You've done this before....that was rather excellent......where did you learn.....

    don't tell me......Ganinja training wasn't it.

    im right, amn't i, huh, huh, i am, huhd, tell me, tell me if im right, I am arent' huh?

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  37. How most perceprive oh most wise of friends. Impressive! You are knowledgeable in the ninja ways...

    Perhpars...

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  38. so im sorta right.....

    issa good oh remarkable one, schooled in the...(gives up)

    i never knew yodaling was so difficult

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  39. (attempt to emulate the gracefull nodding.....fails miserably

    winks slowly.......)

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